#A man can walk proudly down in the street
#A man's not ashamed of what he believes
#He knows how to laugh He knows when to cry
#He knows how to live
#He's not afraid to die
# What is a man? What is a man?
# What is a man? What is a man? #
(CAR HORN TOOTS)
Hi, Dolores!
- All right, love? - Mum!
Mum! Mum!
(CHATTER)
(HUBBUB)
Faith, glasses. Come on, it's time. Get ready.
Come along, Dolores.
Now! Ten.
Nine.
- Eight. - Seven.
- Six. - Five.
- Four. - Three.
- Two. - One.
(CHEERING)
Len!
Leonard!
- Len. - Dad. Cheers!
Len!
Come here.
(CHATTER)
Mummy.
Here you are, Mum.
Hey, you're gonna see your daddy.
- Come on. Not been that long. - Four and a half years, Len. It's plenty.
You still taking the punishment beatings, then?
Mickey's got us in BUPA now. Lot better.
You suffering from a cold or something?
The "Scott of the Antarctic" look. What's up, heater not working?
Carl... where's the Lotus?
I swear, Len, I tried to avoid him, but there was this old lady
- crossing the road with a nun. - What happened, Carl?
- I got bevved up and crashed it. - How many?
Six pints and two bottles of barley wine.
Where is the car now, Carl?
Still down the pub. But the point is, Len, I'm here and I'm gonna get you home.
It's your size.
Here you are, Mum. Do you think I've forgotten anything?
Got the shaving foam, man-sized tissues...
Full-fat milk, cream, rump steak?
What you trying to do - welcome him home or kill him?
He has a fast metabolism, Chastity. It doesn't bother him.
Anyway, if he's gone all health-conscious, he can say so.
He's coming home. He's really coming home.
A bit of good luck, that. I mean, not the... The geezer stopping like that.
Bingo! Another 200-odd, we're there. You all right, Len?
No. Not really. Look at me, Carl.
It was a sultry summer's day when I got pulled.
The last thing that passed my lips a free man was a jug of Pimms.
I'm wearing me lightweights.
I realise it ain't ideal, Len, everything what's happened, but I'm sorry.
Well, don't be, Carl. Really. I mean, in many ways, it's been... quite edifying.
Yeah? How do you mean?
I'll tell you tomorrow. Now get me home, now. I'm tired and I'm freezing.
- Yes, Oy? - Reporting in on downstairs.
- And? - Cover the car with a tablecloth.
Put some nibbles on the top. You'll never be able to tell, I promise.
Len Green went to the wall for us, Oy. We are in his debt.
I don't want him seeing nothing down there except nice things - calming things.
Ta-da! I knew that last leg would fly past.
Carl, why have you brought me here?
Of all the places I don't want to be, this is straight in there at number one.
- Take me home, please. - No.
- What? - I can't.
Why can't you?
All right, I see. All right. Well, come on, then. Let's get it over with.
At least you didn't meet me outside prison
- with a dancing girl stuffed in a cake. - Er, Len, listen. I, er...
(CHEERING)
(# THE JAM: A Town Called Malice)
- My motor. - Yeah.
Len!
(APPLAUSE)
Are you gonna say hello, then, or what?
Gloria. My Gloria.
Mmm! Gloria, I've missed you so much.
- What do you think? - Don't worry. It's not your fault.
- ALL: Dad. - Girls, my girls.
Oh, darling!
Oh! Chastity, how's university?
All right? You behaving yourself?
Alan all right? Still popping them in?
And this... is Dolores.
Hello, darling. I'm your daddy.
Dolores, come here! Dolores!
No, it's all right, Gloria. It's bound to take her a little while.
You have showed her photos, haven't you, Mum?
It's not the same as an in-the-flesh visit, though, is it?
One of my daughter's gonna grow up never having seen the inside of a prison,
- and that's that. - Are you done with him, Gloria?
Only, his partner wouldn't mind a quick press of the flesh an' all.
- Get that down your neck, boy. - Cheers.
You carry on, Mickey. And thanks. It looks great.
- Don't be long. - I won't.
Ain't she marvellous, Len?
And she's exactly as you left her, if you get my meaning, amigo.
- Good to see you, Len. - Eddie.
Not before time. A lot of people want to talk to you.
Hey, here he is, boys. Billy Whizz is back in town!
- I know the motor looks bad, Len, but... - Just get it fixed, Carl.
- Oy, Len. Many happy returns. - Oy. How's it going?
- Not too bad. - Rabbit? How are you?
Oy, we're dynamiting a trout fishery
- Thursday week. You fancy it? - Get out!
I'm not joking, Len! Seven-pound salmon last month.
Leonard.
Uncle Irwin.
Welcome home!
Nice to see you've taken advantage of the occasion to let your hair down a bit.
An undertaker's on call 24 hours a day, Leonard.
- Well, there's a cheering thought. - Glad to see you back, Leonard.
- How is trade? - Steady, as it tends to be.
You couldn't fit me up in a casket, could you, day or two?
Bit of peace and quiet while I find me feet?
You lie down in one of mine, Leonard, you stay there.
Swings and roundabouts, innit?
- You're looking so well! - Ciao, Mario, Bella. All right?
- (CHEERING) - #Keep on running... #
Oh, no!
#Keep on hiding... #
Testing, testing, left hand down a bit.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention on this special night.
Len, a little something from all your friends
to help you get back behind the wheel.
- (BANGING) - WOMAN'S VOICE: It's bloody stuck!
- Carl, do something. - Under control.
- All right, everyone, stand back. - I'm having a panic attack!
Yeah, well, don't!
- For God's sake, get me out! - Yeah, all right.
(CHEERING)
Please, God.
- You all right? - What do you think?!
Hey! Where you going? What about the strip?
What about it? You try jiggling your bits
with half a ton of Victoria sponge up your crotch!
MAN: I'll have a slice!
Get off!
Don't worry about it, Mickey. It's fine.
Is that still switched on?
Ladies and gentlemen, Len Green.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to say thanks for the thought -
the car, the cake. Nice touch. What a surprise.
And it's great to see so many old faces from the past.
And it's quite helpful too, to be honest,
because I've something important to say and this'll get it out the way at once.
- MAN: Welcome home, Len. - All right, mate.
And what it is, is this. During my last sojourn at Her Majesty's,
I realised something quite fundamental about my life here,
which, broadly speaking, has consisted of taking without consent
and leaving the scene double-quick.
And what I concluded was that I'd massively underachieved.
But in my defence, and I've no intention of being disrespectful here,
I realised that the route I took was pretty inevitable, really,
being born where I was and having the neighbours that I did.
It's like living in a pub and trying not to be a drunk.
I mean, even today, all that's gone on since I was released,
everything's conforming to this fixed, relentless pattern,
and the next step will be me starting doing jobs again,
because that's what you do when you come out, innit, people like us?
- Yep. - Yeah.
Except - I'm not wishing to sound arrogant or anything - I'm not "people like us".
I'm not your average man of the parish.
I live in Paradise Drive. I've had a letter published in the Daily Telegraph.
One of my daughters is up at Oxford. Only for too long now
I've ignored all of these facts in order to fit in,
to be a part of this community.
And like I say, I'm not knocking the way people live around here.
It's fine, if that's the best you can manage.
But I can do better.
- What's he talking about? - And that's the point.
Some people are born into a life of crime.
Some people achieve a life of crime. And others have it thrust upon 'em.
You see, you missed that. That was a literary allusion.
That's exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about - the dullard factor.
The dullard factor.
I mean, the bottom line is that I'm different.
My horizons stretch further than being the next in a long line
of thieves and muggers and extorters and I need to be surrounded
by people of a similar ilk who are going to stretch me and stimulate me,
not a rogues' gallery of criminal grotesques who look like
they've just stepped straight out of the pages of a Charles Dickens novel.
And for that reason...
...I'm announcing my retirement. Forthwith.
Len Green's driving days are over.
He's set for pastures new and more... more... middle-class.
I'm going straight.
That's all I have to say.
Except thanks again for tonight, however misguided, and...
enjoy the rest of the evening.
Grotesque? I ain't bloody grotesque, you cheeky sod!
(ANGRY MURMUR)
It's his party. He can say what he likes.
Not to me, he can't.
- Oy, why don't you just give it a rest? - You gonna make me?
Certainly.
(ALARMS BLARE)
Bloody hell!
(MORE ALARMS BLARE)
(DOGS BARK)
- (ALARMS STOP) - Tulip. Poppit. Down, down!
Come here, now! Heel.
Come here.
This is Len, girls.
He lives here.
He's one of us.
"Misjudged" is a very emotive word, Gloria.
- You should've spoken to me first. - I thought you'd have been pleased,
- me going straight. - If it's what you want, I am, only...
there's considerations. I just don't think it was the occasion, that's all.
Yeah, nobody likes a surprise like that.
Which begs the question,
what about the surprise you had lying in wait for me, then, eh?
When exactly did you decide to turn the garden into a Stalag Luft theme park?
I mean, those gates, the bloody dogs.
- That was Mickey. - Oh!
He had it all fitted, got the dogs an' all.
He said the streets was crawling with villains these days.
And he's on first-name terms with every single one of 'em!
Our home security isn't the issue here.
- You jacking in yourjob is. - What are we going to live on?
What I bring in, same as always. Plus the takings.
- They paid for this place, didn't they? - Yeah.
- They've been carefully looked after. - Good.
- Only now they need topping up. - She's got a point, Dad.
I mean, what are you any good at apart from driving cars dangerously fast?
Nee-naw, nee-naw! Whoo-oo-ooh!
Nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw! Whoo-oo-ooh!
It's true, Dad. I mean, your time of life.
- Too old to retrain, that's the trouble. - LEN: Old?
Is there something specific you've got planned?
You're missing the point, all of you. L'uomo universale, that's me.
We all were once, in the Renaissance.
Remember? Leonardo and all that.
They sussed it that if you had the basic grounding then you can do anything.
Oh! The Jan Smuts Secondary Modern, Kilburn - am I right?
Yeah, well, I'm sure they prepared you for every eventuality.
See. That's what I hate about the working class.
Once, just once, try and better yourself
and suddenly everyone starts calling you a traitor.
Like, "Squalor maketh the man."
You have bettered yourself, Len - this house, precisely. The girls.
Yeah, my girls. What did they see tonight? Animals
thinking with their fists! New Len, tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime.
What's wrong with that? Huh? Look, I'm sorry
if my announcement took you all unawares, but that's the way it is.
A new beginning. From tomorrow morning, that's exactly what's gonna happen.
What is gonna happen?
That's the one thing you haven't said yet.
You're full of new dawns and fresh horizons,
but what exactly does that mean?
It means I'm gonna get a properjob. What else would I do?
#I was born
#By the river, oh, man
- #In this little old tent, oh... # - (DOGS BARK)
#Just like this river
#I've been running ever since
#It's been a long, long
#Long time coming, but I know
#I know change has gotta come now
# Ooh, yes, it is My, oh my, oh my
#It's been too hard leaving home now
#And I'm afraid to die... #
All right, Alan?
#... I don't know what's up there
#Beyond the clouds
#It's been a long, long
#Long time coming, I know
#I know change has gotta come
# Oh, yes, it is My, oh my... #
- What's got into him? - Brutalised, isn't he?
I mean, he's always a bit, you know, when he comes out for a day or two, but this!
- Mum! - What is it, love?
Alan. It's not fair, is it?
- It always happens to me. - Don't it just?
- He's done the most awful thing. - Sit down. Have a cup of tea.
- (KNOCKS) Hope. - What do you want?
Hope, you're overreacting.
I'm being heartbroken here. Can't you tell the difference?
I'm just trying to do the right thing, that's all!
Well, you're not. And unlike the thousands of idiots that flock down to see you
play football on a Saturday afternoon, I'm not prepared to pass off
90 minutes of hot air as a solid performance. Now, clear off!
He's such a bully.
Come on. You're all right.
Yeah, I know.
My bags are outside. Fetch 'em in, will you, Charity?
- Bags? - I've just left him.
And I'm pregnant.
- Excuse me, are you free? - Yeah, what can I do for you?
- Um, I'd like to see the real jobs. - They're on the boards.
What, like all the videos are on the shelf?
I'd like to see the jobs you've got under the counter.
You know, the proper stuff. Plus, I want to know what they're paying.
I mean, all of them there, they're just showing weekly travelling expenses.
There are no jobs kept under the counter, sir. That's them.
- Haven't you ever been in here before? - Funny(!)
If I can just take down some details, build up a client profile.
- What sort of details? - Record of all your past employment,
any qualifications you might have, when you last worked.
1968.
That's a gap of 30 years.
I left school when I was 14, then I was an apprentice engineer from 1964-1967.
Until I got my debentures - Knowles Brothers.
Then I did a year with them, and then that's it till the present.
Well, it's quite a time to be out of the job market, but I'm sure I can...
I'm a con, an ex-con. I... Hence the gap. Isn't that bad?
No, it's very good.
- Is it? - Yeah. Ex-offenders get extra help.
No?! God, it just goes to show, doesn't it?
I mean, you look at all those captains of industry.
You can tell, can't you, they've had a leg-up somewhere down the line.
- Right, Mr... - Green. Len Green.
Mr Green. What sort of position are you actually looking for?
Well, something more... befitting.
Sorry, you've got to be a bit more specific than that.
I am being specific. That's specifically what I want.
- Of course. Cleansing services? - What?
Beef carcass stripper? We got three of them.
That's not what I'm after!
Yeah, but you have to give me something to work on, a starting point.
Look, you got me - what more do you want?
God's sake! I could go out this afternoon and get work
and be earning a damn sight more, I suspect, than you'll be able
to dredge up for me. But that's not the point. I've put down my marker.
I want proper, stimulating, middle-aged, middle-England, legal employment.
Now, are you going to help me find that or not?
That's what we're here to do, sir.
Have you thought about developing your existing skills?
- That's the last thing I want to do! - Why?
Because they get me into trouble! Because... Oh, this is hopeless!
Next.
#I have but one heart to share with you... #
You can go home this evening and sort the whole thing out, can't she, Faith?
Ah, Mrs Green. Signorine. Welcome.
Welcome. This way, please.
That's all right, Mario. We're fine in the usual place.
- Ah, sorry, but it's reserved. - But we always sit there.
- Forgive me. How can I put this? - Mario, this is our table.
- It's not possible. - Mum, it's fine...
No. I want to sit here.
Mario, am I or am I not Len Green's wife?
Si. Of course you are. But only Len Green, he ain't Len Green no more, is he?
I mean, even when he was indisposed,
he was Len Green still, so you were Mrs Green.
But now, since the welcome home fight... But don't worry.
We got a lovely table in the back.
No, thank you. That's fine. We won't be bothering. Come on, girls.
WOMAN: She's got a nerve.
You've got to ask yourself, why's he behaving like that in the first place?
(TINNY MUSIC PLAYS)
- There you go. - Cheers, Uncle Irwin.
- Just fancied five minutes. You got time? - Of course.
Delighted. Oh, sorry. Keeps me company when I'm alone out back.
- Oh, blimey! - What's wrong?
It's that Camp stuff, innit? The essence.
- And? - Saturday afternoons,
curtains drawn, Mick McManus and Dickie Davis,
- you, Dad, plate full of fig rolls. - Happy times.
I can't believe you're still drinking it! You can get instant expresso now.
Oh, God! Abandon hope all ye who enter here. It's endemic, it really is.
- What is? - The inability to alter, to progress.
Actually, Leonard, I wouldn't mind a word with you about that.
- About what? - Well, your "brave new world".
Uncle Irwin, I stand by what I said. If people don't...
Oh, no, no, no! Indeed, I'd be denying my own true feelings
if I didn't admit to feeling a frisson of excitement last night.
- Excitement? - Well, I shall be retiring soon.
As you know, since my Steven is no longer with us,
there's no obvious replacement chomping at the funereal bit.
Now, given that and what, I suspect, you've already found to be
a less than glittering job market vis-à-vis a man in your position...
Hang on.
What, me? Here?
- Why not? - Well, because...
Because... bodies and...
Undertaking is a fine profession, Leonard.
I'm sure it's very rewarding, Uncle Irwin.
It's more than that, more than that, and a wise man would see it.
It puts him at the centre of his universe,
places him directly in the midst of big things. The big things.
Life, death, love, loss.
It emancipates the soul, and what's more, it's a chance to serve your community.
Don't you listen? It's my community that I want to get away from.
It's my community which has held me back.
I mean, you don't realise because you're part of it.
- You haven't got the distance to... - To what, Leonard?
To see the way things really are. And as a result,
anything you have to say on the potential life-changing nature
of a career among the cadavers has got to be viewed in that context -
that you are one of them.
My God, you make people you've grown up among sound like the undead, Leonard.
Besides which, if you're going to start
bandying around accusations of blinkered behaviour...
Blinkered? Me?
To dismiss such a large section of the population
in such a cavalier and, frankly, uncharacteristic way
as you did last night, it did make me wonder, in all honesty,
whether I was getting the full picture or not.
I was speaking my mind,
- plain and simple. - Were you?
I'm sorry, Uncle Irwin, I do not want to be an undertaker.
Now, if you'll pardon me, I have to get back.
Chastity, who, incidentally, is living proof of what we Greens are capable of
given half a chance, is returning to Oxford.
I don't want to miss her. So... good day.
Before a fall, Leonard.
Before a fall.
- I can't believe it. - If Dad has a word, Mum, I'm sure...
"Not Mrs Green". You see Francine Roberts staring?
I could've died. Hey!
- Mum! - Gloria.
Bella. Just that. No need to wrap it.
- Gloria... - What's wrong?
Well, not wrong, really.
Do you think you could pay? In the light of recent developments.
Bonanza?
There's this one episode where Lorne Greene's nephew's in town
and he falls off his horse - rattlesnake or something.
It's a good episode.
Point is, the kid don't want to get back on the horse cos of his experience.
Only, Lorne Green knows he's got to,
cos you can't survive out there in the Wild West on foot.
Anyway, what Lorne does is he pretends that...
I forget her name - blonde girl, big nose. Well, whatever.
He pretends she's had an accident panning for gold up in the hills and needs help,
which he, Lorne, can't provide because one of his cows got stuck
in a load of quicksand and needs the immediate heave-ho from him.
Solution? Me laddo has to get back on his gee-gee
and do the necessary. And having conquered his fear,
and realising what his uncle's strategy was, he immediately goes out
and buys Lorne a set of silver-plated pistols.
- You got a cowboy after you? - No.
Len is the nephew. All this retirement rubbish is the equivalent
of him having fallen off his horse while he was in prison.
Mickey, I know for a fact that they don't allow horses...
Don't say it, Carl. Don't even think it! My thrust, Carl,
is that Len needs help to regain his confidence. He needs a leg-up,
- back into the saddle. - Yeah? Didn't seem to me like
- he was having no crisis of confidence. - Well, he is! Obviously.
Look, Carl. Me and Len started this business together,
and that's how we're finishing it. Butch and the Kid, all right?
- So how you gonna get him back? - You, Carl. You.
- Me? - Yeah.
- How come? - Because, A, he trusts you.
And B, it's your duty.
Understood, compadre?
(DOOR OPENS)
- Len, we gotta talk. - Come in.
You missed Chastity.
- It's no good beating round the bush. - She had to leave. Train.
- You've gotta go back on the rob, Len. - What?
- I'm sorry, but you've got to. - Why?
Cos you've got to think about people other than yourself, that's why.
I am thinking about other people. That's why I'm stopping.
But the family, Len. They're used to a certain lifestyle,
having certain things, cos of the success you had doing what you did.
And now... What do you want me to do, Len, mow me own lawn?
- What? - I mean, I would, obviously.
This isn't to do with me.
It's the girls, like I said. It's the girls you're letting down.
Letting 'em down? How? I'm gonna get a job.
Oh, yeah, of course, the job.
How did it go when you confronted commerce and industry
with your latent potential?
Very well, as a matter of fact, thanks for asking.
What is the matter with you, Gloria?
There's nothing the matter with me. It's you.
- Eh? - Not facing facts.
What?
- Len, we've got a grandchild on the way. - Grandchild?
Hope's pregnant.
- Well, that's terrific. That's terrific! - I know.
I know, it's terrific. But it raises some very important questions, Len.
Yeah, like what's her bags doing back in her old room?
I'll deal with all that, Len. The question it raises for you is this - are you,
in the light of this child's imminent arrival, gonna do the decent thing?
No, I'm not.
I'm gonna reflect on the absolute soundness of my original decision
to move into a world where a little baby can grow up safe and happy
and proud of its grandfather.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just about to take a relaxing bath
for the first time in four and a half years without fear of a 17-stone,
moonshine-crazed, sexually frustrated arsonist leaping in
and asking if I want me back scrubbing!
(DOGS BARK)
Bloody dogs.
(DOOR BURSTS OPEN)
- Bloody hell! Carl! - All right, Len?
What are you doing here?
The thing is, Len...
- What? - The reason why I'm here, Len...
- I don't want to disturb... - No, no, don't worry.
I've got things to do, obviously, but ten minutes won't make any difference.
- Want a lager? - No, you're all right, Len. Um...
- D'you want to come to the match with us? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - No.
- Oh. - Think, about it, Carl.
- Who's going to be down there? - You don't have to sit with them.
No. No dog racing, no snooker halls and definitely no soccer.
- But... I've got a new car! - What?
- Yeah. I want to know what you think. - What is it?
It's burg... maroon.
- Come and have a look at it. - All right.
- When did you get it? - Um, yesterday, sort of afternoon.
- You bought this? - Yeah, I...
- It's got a baby seat inside. - What?
Oh, yeah. No, they didn't charge nothing extra for that.
Come on, then, Len, gonna give us the benefit of your expertise?
- Well, all right. - Oh, Len, brought your gloves.
- Make you feel at home. - Cheers, Carl.
- Len Green, what about your self-respect? - Eh?
Never mind your children or your grandchildren,
what about the man who stares back at you from the mirror every morning?
Gloria, I've said all I'm going to on the subject.
- Well, I haven't, not by a long chalk. - Well, it's gonna have to wait
cos I said I'd go to the match with Carl. Later, maybe.
- Oh, no, you don't. - Oh, you can't come, Gloria!
- Excuse me? - I mean...
- I've just said. - Yes, I heard you.
We're gonna sort this one out.
Even if I have to sit through 90 minutes of neck-ache with you to do it.
(ENGINE STARTS)
CARL: Loftus Road, then, Len. No, go right - I know a little short cut.
You're gonna have to talk to me, Len.
The Who.
Thought it'd help keep you focused, Len.
- (MUSIC PLAYS) - Keep... keep going straight here, Len.
It's a new traffic system. Pull up.
- Pull up over there. - Eh?
At the end there, on the corner.
There.
Well, you're not suggesting we walk from here? It's miles.
No, we'll be off again in a minute. Any second.
Gloria, you don't wanna nip to the petrol station round the corner, do you?
Why?
- Er, bag of crisps? - Carl?
I wouldn't say no to one of them Christmas tree air fresheners, if you're gonna go.
Carl, are what you up to?
(ALARM BELL RINGS)
My God!
- (# THE WHO: My Generation) - LEN: What the? Carl!
Go on, leg it!
- #People try to put us down... # - Go, go, go, go!
- What? - Go, go, go, go, go!
- I beg your pardon? - Oy, move it!
- Oy? - All right, Gloria.
Nice show of solidarity.
Don't tell me you've...
Cos now he's gotta drive like stink to get away or it's the nick for the lot of us.
Help you back in the saddle, Len - Mickey's idea.
- Jesus Christ! - Well, don't just sit there, get moving!
- Come on, Len, out of the blocks! - Len, shift it!
Go! Go!
(SIREN WAILS)
Ye-e-e-e-ah!
- CARL: Come on! - OY: You can't catch us!
Go on, Len. Go, Len!
# Talkin' 'bout my g-g-generation
# Talkin' 'bout my generation... #
Come on, come on.
OY: Go to the warp speed, Len.
Bloody hell, Len! You've picked another one up.
Come on, Len.
- They're still following, Len. - He knows that.
- Come on, come on! Come on, come on! - Here they come, Len.
(HORN BLARES, TYRES SCREECH)
Come on! Come on!
You'll be all right. You can do this stuff.
(MUSIC BLARES)
(SILENCE)
(MUSIC BLARES)
- (TROLLEY WHEELS SQUEAK) - Let me give you a hand there.
You ain't shifting 'em, Len. You've gotta squeeze a bit more.
- Jesus! - Argggh!
(THEY SCREAM)
- (CRASH!) - Oh!
Did you hear how loud they were playing that music?
Len... Len, are you all right?
At least we ain't on a manslaughter charge.
- GLORIA: Start the car. - Oy, leg it, pronto!
GLORIA: Len, come on.
Len Green, you haven't been mine for 24 hours yet.
I'm not giving you back now, so run!
Stop!
- Stop! - Police, stop!
Officers in pursuit, suspects heading south.
GLORIA: Keep going.
- Oy, I've had it, Gloria. - Nearly there.
- Nearly where? - Sanctuary.
Come on, Oy.
Gloria, you go on.
- No. We're here. We made it. - Irwin's.
Oy, Irwin, open up.
- CARL: Irwin! - GLORIA: Irwin, please, where are you?
- Leonard. Gloria. What's happened? - We need help, Uncle Irwin.
- The police... - Right-ho. Coming down.
May I be of assistance?
Good evening. Yes, we're trying to find a gang. Just broke into a jeweller's.
We've reason to believe they may have entered your premises.
Oh, well, you'd better come in, then.
(IRWIN HUMS)
Er, do help yourselves.
I have some lungs to drain, but I can work quite happily while you rummage around.
Ah, sorry about this.
He's six foot six. Well, actually, probably not that now.
Not since the blades. Would you like to?
No, leave it. Leave it. It's fine.
Very well. As you say. Well, I must press on. It's... it's been quite a night.
This one's fresh in from the hospital - young man playing cricket.
Chasing a mistimed hook to deep square leg.
Followed the ball straight over the boundary rope,
onto the dual carriageway back of the pitch.
Just shouting, "Howzat!" When the first car hit him.
Surprisingly unmarked, in the circumstances. Come and have a look.
We're done.
We're done, really. We've seen everything we need to.
- What? You're sure? - Yes, thank you.
- Oh. - Thank you for your assistance, sir.
Sorry to have bothered you. And have a very good evening.
(SIGHS)
You was fantastic.
Oy, Irwin, you're a bloody genius.
- Gloria. Are you all right, my love? - I am.
- Where's Len? - (CRASH!)
He's over here.
- Len... - Don't you "Len" me.
Oy, Len... Len we're sorry.
Sorry? I could've ended up back in nick.
- That'd never... - Never? Never happen?
Where do you think I've been for the last four and a half years?
Huh? It'd never happen to you, it'd never happen to him,
but it keeps on happening to me time and time again.
And I've had enough of it. You bloody idiots!
- Come on. - Eh? Never mind how I was feeling.
Everything I'd said. You're Mickey's boys, aren't you? Eh?
You don't give a monkey's!
- We don't want you to dump us. - What?
We're not stupid, Len.
Me and him, we've all been talking.
We all know what's gonna happen when you move on.
- What d'you mean, move on? - Do all them things you was saying.
- You know, suit stuff. - You won't wanna come down The Bob,
not when you're a... I dunno,
manager of a company or something.
- You're just gonna forget about us. - I've gotta...
I don't wanna do it any more!
Don't you understand that?
The thieving, robbing... the driving... everything.
I've finished!
Leonard's reached a turning point, gentlemen... in his life.
That's what he's trying to say. He needs to move on.
His heart's not in it any more.
That doesn't mean you won't be seeing him around, though, does it, Leonard?
No, au contraire, because he likes it here.
He likes this community.
What he was trying to say at the welcome home bash was he wanted in, not out.
Except he thought the only "in" available to a man in his position
was of the bent variety, but it isn't.
And Leonard knows that now because, finally, he's found an opening
that will allow him to let go of all the things
he doesn't want in his life any more
and, at the same time, stay amongst the people...
...that love him... and care for him.
That right, Leonard?
Len?
I'm gonna be an undertaker.
- Said like a Green. - What, here?
Yeah. Here. Uncle Irwin's quite right. I was...
At the do...
it came out...
Offensive?
No, I...
Well, yeah.
And I'm sorry.
I mean, some of the things I said, they was... well, they was shocking.
I wasn't thinking straight, so...
please, forgive me.
Apology accepted, Leonard, on all our behalves.
Oy, best of British, Len.
Thanks, Oy.
Is that all right with you?
If it's what you want, yeah.
Well, it's like the boys said, innit?
If I'd gone the other route -
business, management - who knows where I might have ended up.
That's right.
- Right, well, we'll get going, then. - See you round.
Cheers, Irwin. You was... magnificent.
Bye, Gloria.
(KNOCKING)
Rabbit, why didn't you say something?
OY: Never mind that. We'll miss the first spot.
Mickey's got an exotic dancer on down The Bob. She's got a snake
- and everything. - Enjoy.
- Thanks, Uncle Irwin. - Can I give you a lift home?
No, no, we're fine.
We'll make our own way. We've hardly had a minute since I got out. See you.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
- I'm glad you did that, Len. - Mm?
Were man enough to say sorry.
I'd like to be woman enough, you know?
The way I went on at you, trying to force you back.
I admit... it was to do with me.
I like the status... of being your wife.
The... the special treatment,
the respect...
the cash. But we will manage. You're right. I'll do me own nails.
Whatever. We'll manage.
Because it's not worth the cost, is it?
None of it is. It's not worth how you was in that car, Len.
Oh, it's one of those things.
It happens from time to time. But thanks for helping me, anyway...
Hey, Len, stop pretending.
There's no need now.
You should've told me.
How you was. I mean, how long had you?
I dunno. Last three months, last three years. I dunno.
All I know is that when they pulled me that final time,
I felt such... relief.
It was over.
You should've told me.
I hate it that you... You should've told me, Len.
- I'd always... - I couldn't, Gloria. I couldn't.
Those last few jobs...
You know what it was? You know what it really was?
I'd started imagining, what if I bend it? I mean, what if?
What if I crashed the thing and... and I'm?
If I never see my girls again?
My mad, chaotic girls.
I mean, what if I kill myself and... I lose all of them...
and you?
It doesn't bear thinking about... never mind repeating.
Hey...
- You're Len Green again. - (CHUCKLES)
We're gonna be grandparents.
I'm proud of you.
And I'm proud of you.
Cherishing 'em for me... all this while, all the times I've been away.
Thank you.
You finish your supper.
Hey... welcome home.
(SIGHS)
(DOGS BARK)
Oh, bloody hell!
Lads.
(DOOR CLOSES)
- (TV PLAYS) - LEN: All right?
Now, that was a hearse! That is the car to be seen in.
I mean, there's straight straight, ain't there, then there's bendy straight.
- You want me to do a job with you. - That's the deal.
You did say you want to be an undertaker? You can look me in the eye and say that?
- He's such a great boy, Alan. - He doesn't love me!
Course he does.
All the time that we've been together, he's never, ever said, "I love you."
Seduce him, Carl, till the one thing he wants
more than anything else in the world is you standing by his right-hand side.
Now, sod off!
I do my best, you know, I really do. But it's just never enough, is it?
The words, "I love you." Is that so unrealistic, Len, wanting to hear them?